For days, I've been trying hard not to think about it. It will pass, I keep telling myself. He'll want me back. But as time goes by, I think his message to me becomes rather clear.

Jayden is self-weaning.

It all started last week that he stopped wanting his usual night 'milk-milk'. There were a few nights I noticed that he became unusually active and would happily run round and round the house. When I picked him up for his feed, he simply smiled at me and struggled away. On occasions when he obliged, he would turn away after merely a few seconds. Then there were those nights when I came home late (blame it on myself) and he was already sound asleep. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he was contented sucking his own fingers o get back to sleep. In the past 3 days, he became agitated whenever I asked him if he wanted milk-milk, and pushed me away. Ouch, how my heart shattered.

Now, my baby doesn't need me anymore.

Or does he? It was only barely a month ago that he learned to order me around. 'Up' he would say, when he wanted a cuddle in mommy's arms, in our room when we spent our private time together. 'Ngg' he would go, tugging my shirt impatiently with a longing look, when mommy was home after a long day away. Or when his little body was really tired, he would just open his arms for me to pick him up, lay his head on my shoulder, then quietly sucked his fingers until mommy was ready for him.

My boy is ready to stop.

But wait, mommy is not ready!!! My little boy, you are just 19 months old. Just. Those wonderful memories we have, don't you remember? The silly 'peekaboo' games we played, the 'itsy bitsy spider' that I must always sing, the books I read, the chair - our chair - that we shared so many moments on, your playful bites and my feigned smacks, the way you pulled my glasses, the way I searched for mosquito bites on your legs, the way we always looked into each other eyes.

Do you really want to wean? I wish I can read your mind.

I should be happy! I tell myself. Good riddance of the ugly nursing bras! Hello to alcohol! I finally can go for the hep-B and rubella jabs! No more shivers under the cold air-con when I fell asleep nursing! South Beach Diet, here I come!

I'm willing to nurse on and on, but not Jayden. My little boy has grown up. I know my milk supply had long diminished and he was sucking for comfort not food. And I am more than pleased with myself for providing him with the best form of food for more than a year despite being a working mother. What is more rewarding to a mother than watching her kid thrived from a frail underweight baby to a healthy and energetic toddler? All good things come to an end. I know in my heart that one day, he will wean. Still, I just cannot shake off the deep feeling of loss and sadness when it actually happened. Books have told me that a normal self-weaning age starts from 2 years. I haven't expected it to happen so soon, so suddenly. I'm just not mentally prepared at all.

Someone, please tell me this is just temporary and he'll want me back again :(